Failing Miserably

Have you ever wanted to give that as your answer when someone asks how you are doing? I've definitely been feeling a desire to use it the past several weeks. I've been in a funk lately - perhaps you have no idea of the funk I'm talking about ... lucky you! It's the one where I want to answer I'm "failing miserably" when someone asks how I am doing. The one that makes me feel that way about every single "job" I hold (wife, mother, maid, friend, church member, neighbor, PTA mom, etc.) The funk where nothing I do is good enough, done well enough, organized well enough, thoughtful enough. The one where I feel like the most selfish and self centered person around. I seriously hope that none of you know this funk (although it would be just a "little" reassuring to know I'm not the only one)!!

Now, before you sit there feeling sorry for me I must tell you I've snapped out of it! I really had a remarkable personal experience today (while cleaning my bathroom, no less) that I knew I would regret not writing down and which has made me see things and myself differently. Remember ... this blog is my journal so you have to put up with things like this ;) I've been praying for comfort and understanding and a desire to feel something different to help me out of this pit I felt I'd slipped into. This morning Steve asked me what was going on with me - noting my less than desirable attitude lately. I told him "my life." He looked at me and said "You've got a husband and 4 kids that love you ... sounds like a pretty good life to me!" Yeah, yeah (seriously - my attitude?) .... Fast forward to cleaning the bathroom. I continued to think about my misery - my many shortcomings, my inabilities, everything that I wasn't accomplishing that I felt I should be. Then a scripture came to my mind. In Second Nephi 2:27 (in the Book of Mormon) it is talking about Satan and how "he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself." It hit me so hard - Here I am wallowing in my misery which is EXACTLY where Satan wants me!! I might not be committing the "big sins" but I have allowed myself to lose my focus enough that I have played right into his hands ... sneaky little devil! Then almost as quickly as that thought hit I was reminded of the scripture that comes just a few verses before ... "men are, that they might have JOY." How could I be missing it? I started to think about the way I was viewing things - was I seeking to see the good in myself and my accomplishments - which is what my Heavenly Father wants for me - or was I choosing to pick myself apart and allow myself to be miserable - which is right where Satan wishes for me to be? I think by now you can see where this is going ....

I remember in our church's General Conference a few weeks ago a talk by our Prophet, Thomas S. Monson that I felt spoke directly to me as well. Ironically enough it is entitled "Finding Joy in the Journey." Here are just a few of the thoughts that he shared:

"This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and non-existent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."

"If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and that you will—to your surprise—miss them profoundly."

"Send that note to the friend you’ve been neglecting; give your child a hug; give your parents a hug; say “I love you” more; always express your thanks. Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. Friends move away, children grow up, loved ones pass on. It’s so easy to take others for granted, until that day when they’re gone from our lives and we are left with feelings of “what if” and “if only.”"

"Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family. One day each of us will run out of tomorrows."

I did link that talk in case you want to go back and read the entire thing - I'm so glad I did. My attitude was changed in a moment ... on my knees (ironically enough) scrubbing baseboards in my bathroom. I know that I have untold amounts of joy surrounding me that I am missing out on because I am CHOOSING to look past it and throw myself a pity party instead. NO MORE!! Now, obviously I am not crazy enough to think that life will be "sunshine and roses" from here on out and that I won't need more reminders of this in the future - I've needed them before. I am realistic, you know ;) I am just glad to have had such a STRONG reminder of it today ... reminds me that I'm not here to figure it out on my own but that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and brings me back to "center" from time to time.

Britt is working on what she calls her "52 Blessings Project" where she creates a layout a week of one of her blessings. My sister-in-law AnnaMarie is in the home stretch of her "30 days of balance" on her blog. I know Ali Edwards is completing (and helping others to complete) a "week in the life" project. I've seen lots of people doing a "photo a day" projects and there are so many other brilliant ideas spinning around in cyberspace. I *LOVE* seeing these types of projects! I am now "Finding Joy in the Journey." I want to combine my love of digiscrapping with my desire to capture the little (and not so little) things that bring me joy. Some will be obvious, some will be silly, some will be spiritual, and others completely selfish but they will have one thing in common - they bring me joy on some level. This is not a committment to doing a page a day for a month, or even a page a week for a year. It is a choice to focus more on the joy in my life and document it ... however often I can. I want to do this for myself to help me focus on the joy in my life but also for my children to look back on someday - isn't that what this is about? I look forward to compiling them into an album as a reminder to myself and my family (and friends if they want to look ... although you KNOW I'll be posting them *wink*) of the abundant joy I am blessed with. Thanks to each of you for being a part of my journey!!

Oh, and on a total side note - I was in charge of the hybrid post over on the Bren Boone CT Blog today if you want to check out my project ;)

Another side note ... registration is OPEN for Jessica Sprague's *FREE* Stories in Hand class - and she's extended it to 2 weeks!! You will NOT regret taking it :)